I do not know LOVE . I am so ignorant .

I just want a piece of her mind . I want to know the real depth of her heart. I want to know how does she feel , when she talks to me ? I want to know her  completely , from tip to toe .

People say they can feel . Even i say so . But  truth is I just feel gush in my veins , increased heart beat , sweet and light pain in my chest . These things are way too physical  . Even she feels these things , she told me . But if I say , I understand her feelings , I would be lying . I can not lie to her rather I will try my best to know her . I wanna know her feelings . I wanna reach that abstract , that environment , the atmosphere of her imagination , her first natural thought when she talks to me . I want access to her mind and heart . I want to be like her . I wanna be her itself .

I have this thought that LOVE is something like smog in the fog , somewhere something trapped , entangled in the heart , interwoven with veins and arteries . Or may be something that I can never see, can never touch can never feel , no matter how long i keep exploring , searching for it .

I am confused . Does love exist or not ? If yes , is it physical like the way me , you or she feels ? or is it an abstract ? another doubt , are feelings abstract or physical ? Now , i doubt even the existence of feeling , if its abstract . And once again , curious me wants to know , what is abstract ? Is it real and rational ? Is it abstract itself ? Is it absolute ?

She is the most awsome person i have ever talked to . She is a psychologist . She studied it in her college . I know she is a very bright student . I believe she knows everything . She knows all my doubts . She has got all the solutions . She can quench my thirst .  She understands me . She knows what I am searching for ? I wish to ask her everything , all my doubts . I wanna share my everything with her , all my dilemmas . I wanna empty my head and heart to her . But don't know why I am so hesitant ? Hope she only has the reason for this also .

O my magician , my dear ! take things out of my head and heart , feel my feelings , make it yours  . Else they will never come out . Even , I will never get to know what it was ? Its only you who can lead me from darkness to light , from sorrow to happiness , from doubts to knowledge . You already know , I trust you like you are the only truth , you are absolute truth in this whole universe (or if something bigger exists ,even in thoughts and imaginations ) .

I have surrendered myself to you . Make me man , or whatever I deserve . Take me to my destiny , or wherever you wanna lead me to .  You are the only one in this world . YES , I mean it . All others do not exist for me . They are just used used by you to explain things to me . I am searching for truth . I am searching the real Love . My lord ! show your grace .

People talk about god . The way they describe , I believe I found my god .I feel so small , when I talk about her . She is infinite , very strong . She came on this earth just to liberate me from sufferings and pain . I can not explain her . I don't know what she is . I will never know , actually . Sorry ! for my failed attempts . I beg pardon .

If love exists , I wanna know it /her/or whatever form love has . If its directional and can be directed , I want my love to be directed to you . I want to love you . I want to love you in the most genuine form of love my dear , fatima !

Still , Ignorance is killing me . Love is killing me . But don't you worry , its me who choose to fall in love .
I wanna know the truth . I want you to be my mentor in the process . I want you to experience that feeling of love with me . Hold my hand , lead me to love ..... lead me to truth , the real truth.

Leaving my pen , else will keep writing night long ...may be untill I die . And I promise , I will never allow such things to come in my mind again . Don't wanna share the reason for that with any living soul !

                                   I know nothing , but my ignorance .

breaking this pen ....! smash! thudd !!!!!!!! ink spreads all over the table ...

If you read this....
Don't ever talk to me about this . I will not answer anything .
Its just a drop from the ocean of things i have in my heart for you . If you can feel it , its my luck . Else everything is just garbage for me . I don't want any discussion , please .